Of Immaturity and Anxiety

So.

I just had a session with my psychiatrist awhile ago. I don’t know which offended me more, when he mentioned before that being depressed is part of my personality, or now that he mentioned I was still immature.

Huh.

I was about to just say that I’m okay, perhaps, but no, I didn’t even know what to say to him that I blabbed. So why did I schedule a session with him then? Well it was to prepare myself for the next school year because I was scared as fuck that I was about to get kicked out my school.

I should have known not to push through with it.

Do I regret it? Kinda. Yes. I’m back on expensive medicines again. Plus I don’t know to act mature. How do people mature? Can someone teach me how to adult? Help?

I also feel guilty, because I already knew from the start that he would just prescribe meds again. I mean, I’m okay right now. Kinda. Not as bad when I was first diagnosed. I’m just confused and scared about the incoming school year but other than that I’m fine, completely fine, except when my personal space gets violated or when I don’t get alone time. I feel useless and helpless, which is just normal for me because what is existential angst.

I also feel guilty because I literally blabbed about anything and everything that worried me, and cried when I saw my doctor. Like. Guh. Conditioning sucks. I feel bad because I think I had to force myself to say something.

I wish I just came out honestly like: “HI. UHM. I’m okay right now, like, really, OKAY, but I’m kinda nervous about school and I feel like a total failure because I’m already 23 yet I still depend on my parents and I failed a 5 unit subject which got me delayed, so I’m left behind. And uh, I wanna runaway from home because people in the house are toxic. Also I just wanted to talk to people. I’m also embarrassed to be here, but I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. I lost control. But this is normal right? Just some sort of quarter-life crisis? Yep. Yep.”

But what I said was more like: “Holy shit when I learned I got a lower grade than my sister it hurt and I just panicked. I also failed a 5 unit subject and I feel stupid, and useless because I KINDA AM. My prof passed other students, why not me? I was seriously just a 0.5 away from passing the course. Can’t he just round it up? They’re so unfaaaair. Why do they get to pass while I’m stuck here?! I contribute nothing to the household and it SUCKS. I don’t want to depend on my parents anymooooore. I wanna live aloooone. I think I’m going crazy in law school. Did I mention about my professor who failed me? Yeah, so my dad is also very moody right now. ” *insert sobs and nervous hand-wringing*

So now I feel guilty about giving him an impression that I’m going neurotic again that he had to prescribe meds. I basically just whined about my life to him. Holy shit now I feel totally embarrassed. I was kinda hoping he’d just say: “Dear, you’re kinda just overreacting. You gotta chill. CHILL. You got this. That’s normal. That’s just at a quarter-life crisis, you’ll get over it. Ok, go now. Bye.”

No, what I got was: “Well, I’m sorry to say, but you’re still immature. You still haven’t bloomed, and you have a mindset not of an adult. So, here, meds, good luck with law school, you need it to help you mature. Don’t give up. Grow up.” #non-verbatim #paraphrased (Ok, so maybe that’s not exactly what he said, but that’s what I understood. He did say I was immature though, that part was verbatim.)

I just sat there crying, and thinking: “What the fuck just happened. What did I just do.”

I mean, I guess I am immature, because of what I did. He said I have this irresistible urge to please people, which is an indication of my immaturity. In my defense, I just want to help ok. I’m just being a decent human being in my mind. What’s wrong with helping? But maybe it’s because that I get tired about helping or maybe I feel bitter when the people I help gets along well while I’m still stuck. Huh. Maybe.

Then he talked to my mom, and explained that I had to drink the medicine again, because I’m still immature and I’m kinda going confused and cray-cray with everything going on, and that my anger at life is showing so it’s a sign of instability. I just felt mortified and even more confused.

My mom was asking the doctor what went wrong with me. She confessed that my dad also asked the same question most of time. Is it because of the way we were raised? He said yes, part of it. Kids that have overprotective parents struggle to face hardships and all that because they were protected from it. He said, it’s just that my generation can’t take any disappointment well, and needs easy gratification. Great. So now even my parents even feel guilty about it.

Oh wow. Really now. What happened to the family pressure and all that shit. That I was traumatized by what happened to my parents for their almost divorce and all that.

I grew up freely expressing my emotions, because that’s what I felt natural. I feel them, I learn from them, then I move on. Sometimes I have a hard time trying to move on, but I do so, albeit slowly. College came, I was forced to stuff my emotions somewhere deep inside. Like I can hear it cracking sometimes, but I can still pretend to be normal. Nobody told me where to place them. I show my emotions because I don’t wanna explode randomly. I’m the master of pretending to be fine, and pretending to not be fine. So now what do I do with these messy emotions? Seriously.

I get tired of adjusting for people. They tell me not to, but they get mad when I don’t. What am I supposed to do? Not care? I can do it. I can stop caring. I’m just thinking if they can handle me when I don’t give a fuck about things anymore.

I wish I was normal, but then I am normal. Right? Right.

So aside from anxiety, apparently I have to deal with my immaturity. Hooray. Hooray.  I hope I shall grow well with water and medicines. Fighting!

I really feel guilty and bad for my mom that she has a daughter like me though. It gets tiring.

I Scare Myself

It’s very hard to be diagnosed with a psychological disorder.

People start to identify you as your disorder, or rather you’d get confused whether your reactions are really part of your personality or the disorder. There’s a thin line between your personality and whatever it is that was diagnosed. Is there really a difference between a quirk and a symptom? Am I fine or am I going crazy? What is happening?

I scare myself sometimes, when I realize that I switch between moods so fast and hard. It confuses people around me, and what most people don’t realize is that it is difficult for me too. It’s not like I wanted to be this way. There’s no on/off switch for these kind of things. I’d buy one if there is. Yeah, it’s kinda cool riding a roller coaster of emotions but it sucks when it gets too long and you get tired and you just want to hop off the ride.

It also gets annoying when people tell me to control my emotions. I also get frustrated with myself when I don’t control my emotions. I CAN’T. I’m also sure that NO ONE CAN. They’re emotions! You just feel them. It’s a feeling. Or maybe that’s just neurotic me. People can control their actions though, so no matter how one feels, one should always be careful with what they do. I don’t blame people feeling things. I blame them for doing things.

It horrifies me that I can’t control emotions even though I know it’s just stupid to try and control something I can’t in the first place, but it scares me even more when I can’t control what I do. I end up bottling these feelings, and exploding at random times. I feel too much, see too much, that I pretend I don’t. I’m a fantastic robot, pretending to be a human-being, laughing when appropriate, crying when appropriate, and suffering glitches when there’s too much dissonance. I don’t know which is true anymore.

This is kind of unhealthy, and my doctor says a sign of emotional immaturity. Whelp. Guess I have to mature, whatever that means.

Bipolar: Highs and Lows

I was clinically diagnosed a few years ago. My psychiatrist wouldn’t tell me what exactly my disorder is, he just psychoanalyzed me and prescribed some medicines to make the “bad thoughts go away”. He also told me it wasn’t my fault, and to be honest with myself and all that hocus-pocus you can read from some self-help books. Yeah. Ok.

It was horrible. I have a disorder which most people can’t see, and they assume me to be just being spoiled or too sensitive. There are also other people who take advantage of it and use it as an excuse. Ewwwww. No. Not my style. Makes me want to throw posers into the ocean, but that would cause pollution. Having a mental illness or disorder is NOT fun, and it is NEVER an excuse for things. It’s just a reason. It makes puke when I keep on hearing: “Hey, think positive. It’s all in your mind.” Shove it, and keep it to yourself. If you should know, I’m pretty optimistic for a pessimist (hello Paramore, love your songs).

Judging my symptoms, which sometimes I get offended when I think about it as a symptom because I think it’s just part of my quirky personality (*insert cutie pose*), I have what they call Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression, and also Anxiety Disorder (that’s another story). I don’t know what DSM-V calls it now. Better google it for yourself, or maybe not, because a lot of online things just blurs things and make people misunderstand, just ask a professional (which I am not).

As far as I know, symptoms would often vary among people. Speaking from experience, bipolar is not just the odd mood swings. It’s not just the mood. It’s everything. Like literally everything. A roller coaster which lasts for a year at the least. One moment you’re very happy and feeling confident, nobody can bring you down! You sing from the top of your of your voice about happy songs, singing “Let It Go” from Frozen and just prancing around the house or whatever it is that you do when you’re happy. The next moment you feel like a complete utter failure, a waste of space in this dark weary world. It’s no joke. You feel like you just want to disappear, or die, or give your life force to some other people who are more deserving. It’s not even the joking “I want the ground to swallow me”, it’s the serious “Which is more effective, drowning or cutting?”. You wonder where the hell your positive vibes go. And the cycle goes on and on for a long time. IT SUCKS. Most people just recognize the depressive part (sad part) and not the manic part (happy part).

On the bright side, if you can track your moods and whatever thingy you have, you can make plans. Like you have to wait for a moment before making a decision because at least you’re aware that you’re not in your right mind. On the down side, the fluctuating mood is really, really, really annoying. I cannot emphasize enough on that part. Medicines can help, but a lifestyle change is really recommended to manage it completely (medicines are bloody expensive). So if you feel like there is something wrong with you, it’s better to just talk to a professional, probably a counselor first, or a psychologist (they can’t prescribe medicines), because I believe psychiatrists are the last resort (they prescribe those bloody expensive medicines that make you sleepy, happy but sleepy). Better yet, talk to your friends and family, they can help you (hopefully).

EDIT: Psychiatrists as a last resort is merely my opinion. As I said earlier, I’m not a professional. Lol. Psychiatrists can and will help, but I think it depends on the person. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t go to psychiatrists, if you feel the need to do so, then please do. It will help you. It’s just that they’re kinda expensive and not everyone can afford the sessions, or the medicines (in the Philippines anyway), which is why I’m supporting the call for a Mental Health Act in our country (PH). #MHActNow

So the point of this post? Nothing. Didn’t you see the title of this blog? It’s called random ramblings for a reason. Haha. Lol, kidding. Just wanted to make people aware of mental disorders. Cheers.