So.
I just had a session with my psychiatrist awhile ago. I don’t know which offended me more, when he mentioned before that being depressed is part of my personality, or now that he mentioned I was still immature.
Huh.
I was about to just say that I’m okay, perhaps, but no, I didn’t even know what to say to him that I blabbed. So why did I schedule a session with him then? Well it was to prepare myself for the next school year because I was scared as fuck that I was about to get kicked out my school.
I should have known not to push through with it.
Do I regret it? Kinda. Yes. I’m back on expensive medicines again. Plus I don’t know to act mature. How do people mature? Can someone teach me how to adult? Help?
I also feel guilty, because I already knew from the start that he would just prescribe meds again. I mean, I’m okay right now. Kinda. Not as bad when I was first diagnosed. I’m just confused and scared about the incoming school year but other than that I’m fine, completely fine, except when my personal space gets violated or when I don’t get alone time. I feel useless and helpless, which is just normal for me because what is existential angst.
I also feel guilty because I literally blabbed about anything and everything that worried me, and cried when I saw my doctor. Like. Guh. Conditioning sucks. I feel bad because I think I had to force myself to say something.
I wish I just came out honestly like: “HI. UHM. I’m okay right now, like, really, OKAY, but I’m kinda nervous about school and I feel like a total failure because I’m already 23 yet I still depend on my parents and I failed a 5 unit subject which got me delayed, so I’m left behind. And uh, I wanna runaway from home because people in the house are toxic. Also I just wanted to talk to people. I’m also embarrassed to be here, but I don’t know what to do anymore sometimes. I lost control. But this is normal right? Just some sort of quarter-life crisis? Yep. Yep.”
But what I said was more like: “Holy shit when I learned I got a lower grade than my sister it hurt and I just panicked. I also failed a 5 unit subject and I feel stupid, and useless because I KINDA AM. My prof passed other students, why not me? I was seriously just a 0.5 away from passing the course. Can’t he just round it up? They’re so unfaaaair. Why do they get to pass while I’m stuck here?! I contribute nothing to the household and it SUCKS. I don’t want to depend on my parents anymooooore. I wanna live aloooone. I think I’m going crazy in law school. Did I mention about my professor who failed me? Yeah, so my dad is also very moody right now. ” *insert sobs and nervous hand-wringing*
So now I feel guilty about giving him an impression that I’m going neurotic again that he had to prescribe meds. I basically just whined about my life to him. Holy shit now I feel totally embarrassed. I was kinda hoping he’d just say: “Dear, you’re kinda just overreacting. You gotta chill. CHILL. You got this. That’s normal. That’s just at a quarter-life crisis, you’ll get over it. Ok, go now. Bye.”
No, what I got was: “Well, I’m sorry to say, but you’re still immature. You still haven’t bloomed, and you have a mindset not of an adult. So, here, meds, good luck with law school, you need it to help you mature. Don’t give up. Grow up.” #non-verbatim #paraphrased (Ok, so maybe that’s not exactly what he said, but that’s what I understood. He did say I was immature though, that part was verbatim.)
I just sat there crying, and thinking: “What the fuck just happened. What did I just do.”
I mean, I guess I am immature, because of what I did. He said I have this irresistible urge to please people, which is an indication of my immaturity. In my defense, I just want to help ok. I’m just being a decent human being in my mind. What’s wrong with helping? But maybe it’s because that I get tired about helping or maybe I feel bitter when the people I help gets along well while I’m still stuck. Huh. Maybe.
Then he talked to my mom, and explained that I had to drink the medicine again, because I’m still immature and I’m kinda going confused and cray-cray with everything going on, and that my anger at life is showing so it’s a sign of instability. I just felt mortified and even more confused.
My mom was asking the doctor what went wrong with me. She confessed that my dad also asked the same question most of time. Is it because of the way we were raised? He said yes, part of it. Kids that have overprotective parents struggle to face hardships and all that because they were protected from it. He said, it’s just that my generation can’t take any disappointment well, and needs easy gratification. Great. So now even my parents even feel guilty about it.
Oh wow. Really now. What happened to the family pressure and all that shit. That I was traumatized by what happened to my parents for their almost divorce and all that.
I grew up freely expressing my emotions, because that’s what I felt natural. I feel them, I learn from them, then I move on. Sometimes I have a hard time trying to move on, but I do so, albeit slowly. College came, I was forced to stuff my emotions somewhere deep inside. Like I can hear it cracking sometimes, but I can still pretend to be normal. Nobody told me where to place them. I show my emotions because I don’t wanna explode randomly. I’m the master of pretending to be fine, and pretending to not be fine. So now what do I do with these messy emotions? Seriously.
I get tired of adjusting for people. They tell me not to, but they get mad when I don’t. What am I supposed to do? Not care? I can do it. I can stop caring. I’m just thinking if they can handle me when I don’t give a fuck about things anymore.
I wish I was normal, but then I am normal. Right? Right.
So aside from anxiety, apparently I have to deal with my immaturity. Hooray. Hooray. I hope I shall grow well with water and medicines. Fighting!
I really feel guilty and bad for my mom that she has a daughter like me though. It gets tiring.
Random Ramblings 